Counting Blue Cars (Dishwalla) - day 18

Seems like I’m going in circles lately, landing on the same time period a few times during this countdown. We’re back where we were two days ago, in the year 1996, the last year of my life wearing blinders. I was working at Structure in Walt Whitman, leading a smart team of sales associates to be the best in retail. I actually have a playlist that I created, separate from my countdowns, entitled “Structure Songs;” today’s song, Counting Blue Cars, is one amongst a list of moody tunes from those angsty years as we edged closer to the end of the 20th Century.

It was a time of shifting change in the world but also in my life; it was just before the most tragic event of my life would change me forever, and hearing this song now I almost sense that I knew something bad was about to happen. Something about this song, though, began the expansion of my limited brain capacity: God as referred to as female? Unspeakable! Meantime, little did I know that in less than a year’s time I’d be asking Her so many questions, looking to Her for guidance and peace and rest from the horror of losing Mary. And then, like that, no more belief that a god even exists.

One can wonder why songs like this, that remind me of horrific moments of my life, are pleasing to the ear now. I wish I had that answer. All I know is there is comfort in this song, specifically. There is solace now that was nowhere near me at the time when I needed it most. When soul patches prevailed, and answers were impossible to find.

Tell me all your thoughts on God ‘cause I’d really like to meet Her.
Ask Her why we’re who we are.