Hormones. Confusion. Sexual awakening. A dark, lonely closet. A Total Eclipse Of The Heart. It was my first time ever away from home, the first semester of my freshman year at the University of Scranton. I was a scared little seventeen-year-old who had been sheltered and frightened into thinking that my true nature was evil and sick. And now I was living in a dormitory with virile, hairy boys. My escapes, as usual, were music and the daily collect calls to New York City to chat with Karen. And her artsy, soulful new boyfriend, Steven. Now please understand, I had no idea what love was. I thought I knew in those moments when I used to force myself to believe I could love a girl. When I would pray as hard as I could at night for god to take it away and make me normal so I could be a real man. And there were many girls for me to love, and many who I knew loved me. But inside my soul I knew it was wrong, and certainly not fair to them. I don’t even know what I expected as I left home to go to school, but maybe things would change there. And still I prayed at night against my emerging true nature. And then they sent me a ticket to NYC on the Greyhound. I left Scranton and arrived in NYC to be greeted by Karen, Steven and Robert. And in a moment it was there: the first ever spark of what was real and true. Steven’s eyes and my eyes had both seen something finally recognizable. It was truly the first time I saw what could be. Without too many details, let’s just say we became pen pals and he helped me begin the road to my self-discovery. And Total Eclipse was the heart-wrenching soundtrack of that route. For Steven and me. Wherever he is in this mad world, I’m certain my Heathcliff hears this song and thinks about me the way I still think about him. And my forever friend Karen.
From the historical writing archive. Original date: December 19, 2015. Recovered from local source material; editorial review is still in progress.
